Sit down and I'll tell you a story to chill your blood and warm your heart.
Once upon a time, there was a grumpy reporter who spent his days being nasty to everyone. He had a wonderful time running around a small Scottish town, sticking his nose where it wasn't wanted, and stirring up trouble. Lots of people hated him - and rightly so. He was a bit of a git.
Then, due to the unlikely circumstance that an attractive woman was willing to be alone with him for a little while, a baby was born. The reporter felt a strange sensation, like one of those puzzled aliens Captain Kirk was always introducing to human feelings. Suddenly, he felt love.
Nearly five years later, there is jam on the ceiling. A baby boy followed the baby girl and, to have as much time with them as possible, the reporter is now a sub-editor, writing headlines and designing pages at night. There is no time for sleep, but the hack, exhausted as he is, knows he will never be this lucky again.
If only they would stop the biting...
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