The parent and child phrasebook

So-called experts in childcare love to talk about communication.

Watch Supernanny and she's always on about getting down on the floor - as if she knows how my knees feel after five hours' sleep and a school run - to get eye-level with some sprog and have a meaningful chat that will ensure a perfect relationship.

But that assumes she can understand the replies. Just as Britain and America are separated by a common language, so are adults and children. What is the little gremlin burbling on about?

Well, six bored people on the internet, you are in luck. I'm here to translate for you.


Social interaction

Child says: "I'm bored."

Translation: "Buy me stuff. Make it like Christmas. Take me to a play centre and a toy shop and a sweetshop and spend all your money on me. Throw me up into the air and catch me until I'm bruised and crying. Give me every second of your time and the last, miniscule grain of your sanity."

The parent's correct response: "Go and play."
Or you could pretend to be dead.


Fine dining

Child says: "I'm hungry."

Translation: "I know there are biscuits, sweeties and possibly cake somewhere in the house. You've hidden them so you can eat them when I'm asleep. I know this because of that time I burst into the room late at night, crying and covered in wee. If I nag you often enough, you will give me the precious, wonderful sugar. If you don't, that's okay. I'll just ask you again 14 seconds from now."

Response: "I will boil some broccoli for you."
(This should be followed by an evil cackle. Stroke your goatee, if you have one.)


Cultural pursuits

Child says: "I want to watch cartoons."

Translation: "I want to watch mind-numbing children's television for the entire day, until the entire household has a perfect recollection of every word of every episode of Peppa Pig and Daddy has a headache that would floor a horse. Then I want to watch some more."

Response: "The TV is broken."
(When your child is old enough to spot a lie, you may need to back this up by putting a golf club through the screen. It's a small price to pay.)


The natural world

Child says: "Today I saw a leaf and it was brown but sometimes yellow do you know any more vegetables everyone at nursery likes vegetables but some don't and I like them except sometimes when I don't but I did a jigsaw and there was a piece missing and it was under the chair and I saw a leaf!"

Translation: "Hello, Daddy."

Response: "Kill meeeee."
(Muttered under your breath, to avoid unnecessary mental trauma for your offspring.)


Health and wellbeing

Child says: "I need a wee."

Translation: "I've been needing a wee for the last hour but was too caught up with some ludicrous game so didn't bother to go. Now I'm so desperate to urinate that I'm holding it in with my hands and getting spasms in my bladder area. I would run to the toilet but I have to take very small steps so I don't wee everywhere. Please save me from myself."

Response: "AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"


So, good luck, parents. One day your children will be old enough to leave home, and your shattered lives will improve. No, you won't understand them then, either.

Just remember to change the locks.